The Blame Game

Picture of a turtle on a log

My daughter recently caused an unfortunate incident at her work place.  She is a lifeguard at a pool and without thinking she packed her glass water bottle when she went to work.  The bottle fell off the guard chair and smashed into a thousand pieces causing the pool to be completely drained and closed for several days to make sure it was glass-free.

Because she broke the “no glass” rule she was given a two week suspension from work.  Even though the incident was unintentional, the implications were severe and they considered terminating her employment.  If it weren’t for the fact that she was a responsible and dependable employee, she likely would have been fired.

Needless to say, this was a pretty traumatic experience for my teenage daughter and she went through a whole range of emotions, including getting angry at her bosses for suspending her.  It took her a while to settle down and realize how her mistake had affected many people.  Other employees were not able to work and make money, public swimming and swim classes were cancelled, and some students were not able to have the in-pool classes they need for their coursework.  She finally progressed from a “not my fault, poor me” mindset to fully owning the responsibility of her mistake and the effect it had on others.

I didn’t fully understand how difficult taking ownership was for her to do until I had my own incident while rushing to get to an evening yoga class on time.  It was the only thing on my mind – not being late again.  I missed the turn into the parking lot and ended up in the next driveway where I thought I could just turn around.  Unfortunately, it was the entrance into a large park with a one way road system that only exits at the back end.

The unfamiliar road through the deserted park was pitch-black and I panicked a bit.  I put on my high beams, locked the car doors, and hurried to get out of there.  Now, I was even more worried about being late!

Still hurrying as I neared the end of the park, I stopped abruptly at a stop sign and waited impatiently for a family who were approaching the intersection to cross.  They waved me on ahead of them, but as I turned out of the park the dad called after me, “and please slow down”.

He didn’t say it in an attacking way, but him confronting me, even so subtly, was still very upsetting and brought up several painful emotions.  Even though I knew he was right, my initial reaction was to get angry and blame him for yelling at me.  That felt much better than sitting with the rising embarrassment of being so wrapped up in myself that I had just driven too quickly through a dark park.

The Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön describes painful emotions “like flags going up . . . uncomfortable feelings are messages that tell us to perk up and lean into a situation . . . stay with our painful emotion instead of spinning out . . . into blame, righteousness, or alienation.”

I desperately wanted “a way to discharge pain and discomfort”, which is how Brené Brown aptly describes blame.  I felt very uncomfortable admitting to myself that I was in the wrong and had been fairly challenged on it.  I was embarrassed and ashamed that I had been so caught up in my own head that I was oblivious to others around me – and when I did consider them, it was only as obstacles getting in my way.

I get it now.  Although it was very uncomfortable for me to honestly “lean into the situation”, doing so allowed me to fully explore my actions, forgive myself for making a mistake, and most importantly, learn from the experience.  Spinning into blame, although it would have felt better, wouldn’t have afforded me the same learning opportunity.

About Lisa Ivaldi

Lisa Ivaldi is a Writer and Blogger who loves sharing information that will have a positive impact on the world. InsightClarityGrowth.com is a monthly personal growth blog that combines expert theories and personal stories to bring those theories to life. Sometimes looking at things slightly differently can make a huge difference.
This entry was posted in Behaviour and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to The Blame Game

  1. Lea Tran says:

    Great post, Lisa. I like the description of blame as a discharge of pain and discomfort. That makes so much sense and makes it easier to forgive.

  2. Next time, leave a little earlier so you’re not running panicky late. You have needed to work on this for a while.

    As for Kathryn, too bad, but she now she understands why there are rules about glass around pools. I didn’t even know there were glass water bottles.

    “The one who falls and gets up is so much stronger than the one who never fell.” ~ Unknown Brenda Turino 289-337-2539 http://www.brendasphotoservices.com

  3. sylvia502 says:

    Great article – wow you’ve raised a powerful woman!

    Sylvia

  4. Karin McNabb says:

    Great article- glad your daughter received a second chance and had a positive learning experience – many don’t get that opportunity despite giving heartfelt apologies that should result in a teachable opportunity by the leaders and foster growth – they are in turn terminated – a sincere effort to right the wrong and learn is thwarted. Our society is quick to react and we seem to allow for many mistakes and we often forgive, too bad in many in work environments that is in fact not the case.

  5. Diane Gagnon says:

    What a great lesson! As soon as you accept responsibility on an ongoing basis of your actions you are in control of your life.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s